I woke up this morning to lightning and thunder outside our window. It had been storming relentlessly all night, but I didn't realize until after my shower (probably not a good idea to take a shower during a lightning storm. Oops.) that it had also been snowing!
In my attempt to get Tasha and I to work this morning, I ended up spinning out on the loop. I just completely lost control. We ended up against a guardrail, facing the wrong direction, and completely stuck. My wheels would spin, but I couldn't get enough traction to get us out. Someone stopped to talk to us for a minute, but there was nothing he could do. Tasha ended up getting out and pushing, (she is amazing) but nothing seemed to help.
We finally got out after I got my wheels turned at an angle that would generate some friction. We ended up turning around and going home after that.
I'm not really sure what I could've done differently to prevent all this. I've lost control on ice before, but I'm usually pretty good about not touching the breaks, or over-correcting, and getting straightened out safely.
But, I feel like I failed somehow. It could've been a LOT worse, but it was luck that kept us safe, not me. I don't like to rely on luck. I should've done better.
Yesterday, I had another counseling session with Cindy, just her and I. It was pretty rough, and the subjects were scattered. Even Cindy was talking about how she usually doesn't like to keep things so "universal". She likes to focus on issues one at a time rather than such broad behavioural problems. But she was optimistic. She said that it basically all comes down to a confidence issue with me.
I need to find what makes me happy.
I'm focusing too much on wanting Tasha to be happy, and I'm losing my own sense of value. I'm comparing myself to other people too much and I'm not seeing what makes me special. I have to find something to like about myself.
The battle with yourself is always the hardest.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
I had an AMAZING weekend.
Saturday
...we played a show in Lubbock at a place called Diablo's Live. There were 4 bands scheduled and we played 3rd. A Darker Shade of Gray was supposed to play, but dropped at the last minute and was replaced by a band called Another Day Undecided. They were really good! They're an instrumental 3-piece with great stage presence and solid musicianship. They weren't all that heavy, but they had some excellent grooves and a really unique style. (They reminded me a lot of my old band in San Diego.) I would love to play with them again!
Our set was amazing! There was a ton of energy on stage and I think it came across really well. We had some people movin' and I think at one point someone did a stage dive..? O.o
It was my first show doing vocals, so I was a bit nervous at first. But all I had to do was glance back at Houston on the drums. That dude has incredible energy. He beams enthusiasm and its highly contagious. Its very rare for a drummer to have good stage presence, but Houston's got it, and it helped me to remember why I was on that stage in the first place. I had a ball! Words cannot really describe how much fun that experience was. The band's chemistry was stellar. We threw down, melted faces, and suprised ourselves I think. I cannot wait to see the video!
Sunday
...was a great day too! Tasha and I got up early and went to grandma Betty's for some stew, followed by a full day of garage-sale hopping. We actually found some really cool stuff! I was kinda suprised. :)
It was a lot of fun spending time with my wife, doing something that gets her excited. I love to watch her face light up when she finds something neat.
We found a cool, new flea-market that, apparently, no one knows is there. Its on the south side of town in a really nice area and they have a bunch of cool things. And its HUGE! From what I gathered, there's not only vendors there, but also people who buy entire estate sales and turn it over. So the inventory is constantly changing. It might become a weekly ritual for Tasha and I to come back and browse the goods.
They had an amazing "birthing" chair from the 1600s(?) that supposedly belonged to French royalty. (Tasha WANTS it.)
OH, and Tasha bought some mannequin legs! She's in the process of painting them weird colors and making them into pieces of art. I love her weird shit!
We ended the day with a pizza and an episode of the office. The day was perfect. Life is good. :)
Saturday
...we played a show in Lubbock at a place called Diablo's Live. There were 4 bands scheduled and we played 3rd. A Darker Shade of Gray was supposed to play, but dropped at the last minute and was replaced by a band called Another Day Undecided. They were really good! They're an instrumental 3-piece with great stage presence and solid musicianship. They weren't all that heavy, but they had some excellent grooves and a really unique style. (They reminded me a lot of my old band in San Diego.) I would love to play with them again!
Our set was amazing! There was a ton of energy on stage and I think it came across really well. We had some people movin' and I think at one point someone did a stage dive..? O.o
It was my first show doing vocals, so I was a bit nervous at first. But all I had to do was glance back at Houston on the drums. That dude has incredible energy. He beams enthusiasm and its highly contagious. Its very rare for a drummer to have good stage presence, but Houston's got it, and it helped me to remember why I was on that stage in the first place. I had a ball! Words cannot really describe how much fun that experience was. The band's chemistry was stellar. We threw down, melted faces, and suprised ourselves I think. I cannot wait to see the video!
Sunday
...was a great day too! Tasha and I got up early and went to grandma Betty's for some stew, followed by a full day of garage-sale hopping. We actually found some really cool stuff! I was kinda suprised. :)
It was a lot of fun spending time with my wife, doing something that gets her excited. I love to watch her face light up when she finds something neat.
We found a cool, new flea-market that, apparently, no one knows is there. Its on the south side of town in a really nice area and they have a bunch of cool things. And its HUGE! From what I gathered, there's not only vendors there, but also people who buy entire estate sales and turn it over. So the inventory is constantly changing. It might become a weekly ritual for Tasha and I to come back and browse the goods.
OH, and Tasha bought some mannequin legs! She's in the process of painting them weird colors and making them into pieces of art. I love her weird shit!
We ended the day with a pizza and an episode of the office. The day was perfect. Life is good. :)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I'm trying my best not to interfere; not to give my opinion or advice. I only want to understand her. To understand what she's going thru and be beside her to give her support. I don't want to tell her what to do. Or be like a parent figure talking down to her; telling her how she should feel. I just want to be with her. I want her to know that I care more about what she's feeling than what she "should" be feeling. I just want her to know that I SEE her.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Election Day
So it's midterm election season and everyone seems super excited about voting today. I have chosen not to.
I didn't come to this conclusion lightly. I'm not some punk kid who just doesn't care. I have only reached this decision after many years of political pondering and logical thinking. But to entertain myself a little on this day I'm going to post one of my favorite passages from Douglas Adams' book, "So Long And Thanks For All The Fish"...
[An extraterrestrial robot and spaceship has just landed on earth. The robot steps out of the spaceship...]
"I come in peace," it said, adding after a long moment of further grinding, "take me to your Lizard."
Ford Prefect, of course, had an explanation for this, as he sat with Arthur and watched the nonstop frenetic news reports on television...
"It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see..."
"You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?"
"No," said Ford, "nothing so simple. Nothing anything like to straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people."
"Odd," said Arthur, "I thought you said it was a democracy."
"I did," said ford. "It is."
"So," said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, "why don't the people get rid of the lizards?"
"It honestly doesn't occur to them," said Ford. "They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they've voted in more or less approximates to the government they want."
"You mean they actually vote for the lizards?"
"Oh yes," said Ford with a shrug, "of course."
"But," said Arthur, going for the big one again, "why?"
"Because if they didn't vote for a lizard," said Ford, "the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?"
"What?"
"I said," said Ford, with an increasing air of urgency creeping into his voice, "have you got any gin?"
"I'll look. Tell me about the lizards."
Ford shrugged again.
"Some people say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happened to them," he said. "They're completely wrong of course, completely and utterly wrong, but someone's got to say it."
I didn't come to this conclusion lightly. I'm not some punk kid who just doesn't care. I have only reached this decision after many years of political pondering and logical thinking. But to entertain myself a little on this day I'm going to post one of my favorite passages from Douglas Adams' book, "So Long And Thanks For All The Fish"...
[An extraterrestrial robot and spaceship has just landed on earth. The robot steps out of the spaceship...]
"I come in peace," it said, adding after a long moment of further grinding, "take me to your Lizard."
Ford Prefect, of course, had an explanation for this, as he sat with Arthur and watched the nonstop frenetic news reports on television...
"It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see..."
"You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?"
"No," said Ford, "nothing so simple. Nothing anything like to straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people."
"Odd," said Arthur, "I thought you said it was a democracy."
"I did," said ford. "It is."
"So," said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, "why don't the people get rid of the lizards?"
"It honestly doesn't occur to them," said Ford. "They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they've voted in more or less approximates to the government they want."
"You mean they actually vote for the lizards?"
"Oh yes," said Ford with a shrug, "of course."
"But," said Arthur, going for the big one again, "why?"
"Because if they didn't vote for a lizard," said Ford, "the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?"
"What?"
"I said," said Ford, with an increasing air of urgency creeping into his voice, "have you got any gin?"
"I'll look. Tell me about the lizards."
Ford shrugged again.
"Some people say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happened to them," he said. "They're completely wrong of course, completely and utterly wrong, but someone's got to say it."
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
No More Hiding
I have spent far too much of my life "in-my-own-world"; in my own comfortable, little shell.
I have always thought inward. My thoughts I have kept mostly to myself. Very few people have actually SEEN me. I have always been afraid to let someone in.
My fear is that I am not good enough for the world around me. That I lack in something special that everyone else shares. I hide from the world, because the world is better off without me.
It was only recently that I came to fully understand that my life and my happiness have been extremely hindered by this mentality. I'm a human being. I have value. But I have to see it first before anyone else can.
I'm starting this blog so that I can no longer hide. My thoughts are now open for the world to see. I am no longer ashamed or afraid, but proud. You can see me. Everyone can. Whether or not anyone cares is not important. I am not hiding anymore.
I have always thought inward. My thoughts I have kept mostly to myself. Very few people have actually SEEN me. I have always been afraid to let someone in.
My fear is that I am not good enough for the world around me. That I lack in something special that everyone else shares. I hide from the world, because the world is better off without me.
It was only recently that I came to fully understand that my life and my happiness have been extremely hindered by this mentality. I'm a human being. I have value. But I have to see it first before anyone else can.
I'm starting this blog so that I can no longer hide. My thoughts are now open for the world to see. I am no longer ashamed or afraid, but proud. You can see me. Everyone can. Whether or not anyone cares is not important. I am not hiding anymore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)