Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Achievements

I am compiling a list of my achievements. Great or small, this is a list of things I have done that I am proud of.  I am using this as a weapon against self-immolation. I have spent much of my life suffering from the debilitating, self-induced condition of refusing to grant myself value. I have riddled my life with self-doubt, insecurity, and nearly a complete absence of self-esteem. This is my greatest sin: to live my life without pride.

This list will continue grow over the course of my life, and I want to remember with fierce pride all that I have accomplished. Self esteem is the most important value I can ever achieve. It is the highest of all values, because it is the value I place on myself. Nothing could be more vital.

These are not ranked. They are ordered only by what first comes to mind.

1. I invested ~$4,500 in 300 oz. of silver when it was around $15/oz. As of today (4/27/11) it is at $47/oz., bringing me up to $14,100; almost $10,000 in profit. This was the first investment I ever made.

2. I lived successfully and independently in San Diego for 2 years. I moved there when I was 20 years old. I had no family and only 1 friend. I supported myself and proved to myself my ability to not only survive but to thrive. I moved back home for several reasons, but failure was not one of them.

3. I climbed the ladder. In less than those two years in San Diego, I worked my way up from a per diem file clerk to a full-time Senior Medical Records Specialist (3 raises, 2 promotions, and 4 site changes). The job came with a lot of responsibility. I dealt specifically with HIPAA compliance, sometimes informing even lawyers of the proper legal route for obtaining confidential health information. It could be very stressful at times but I was proud of my ability to do it, and I did it well.

4. I am 25 years old and I bought my first home 3 weeks ago. It is beautiful. It’s a 2bd/1ba house with 2 living areas, a garage, new carpet and paint, recently remodeled, with central heat and air for $75,000. My credit is stellar.  It may not be income producing real estate, but that is soon to follow.

5. In San Diego I took a course on General Accounting Principles. I did not have a major. I didn’t care about the credit. I only took it to learn the subject. Out of 40 or so students that were in my class, only 6 of us were left at the end of the semester. I had the 2nd highest grade in the class, and I scored the highest on the final exam. The instructor suggested I become a CPA, but I want to employ CPAs.

6.  I strive for logical consistency in my life as well as my philosophy.  I am an atheist and an anarchist, not because of my rebellious nature, but because of my strict adherence to principles. I seek the truth in everything and believe that reality is both consistent and logical. All the suffering in the world comes from the manipulation of truth. The initiation of force and fraud is morally abhorrent and dishonest; and is never justifiable, because to do so is to abandon the truth.

7. On July 24th, 2010 I married the love of my life. She is the single most important thing in the world to me. I am beyond proud of her.

more to follow...

Monday, April 18, 2011

"People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I've learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one's reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one's master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person's view requires to be faked. And if one gains the immediate purpose of the lie – the price one pays is the destruction of that which the gain was intended to serve. The man who lies to the world, is the world's slave from then on... But there are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all."

Thursday, April 14, 2011

"You seek escape from pain. We seek the achievement of happiness. You exist for the sake of avoiding punishment. We exist for the sake of earning rewards. Threats will not make us function; fear is not our incentive. It is not death that we wish to avoid, but life that we wish to live. You, who have lost the concept of the difference, you who claim that fear and joy are incentives of equal power—and secretly add that fear is the more “practical”—you do not wish to live, and only fear of death still holds you to the existence you have damned."
"You have seen the Atlantis they were seeking, it is here, it exists--but one must enter it naked and alone, with no rags from the falsehoods of centuries, with the purest clarity of mind--not an innocent heart, but that which is much rarer: an intransigent mind--as one's only possession and key. You will not enter it until you learn that you do not need to convince or to conquer the world. When you learn it, you will see that through all the years of your struggle, nothing had barred you from Atlantis and there were no chains to hold you, except the chains you were willing to wear. Through all those years, that which you most wished to win was waiting for you." -Atlas Shrugged

"Ah, you miserable creatures! You who think that you are so great! You who judge humanity to be so small! You who wish to reform everything! Why don't you reform yourselves? That task would be sufficient enough." - Frederic Bastiat

Monday, April 11, 2011


We have a home!
This weekend we closed on our house. It is our first property we've ever purchased, and it is amazing! I can't say enough for how well kept it is. The previous owners put a lot of work into it. It has new paint, new carpet, new fixtures, new tile, and they even built on a HUGE living room in the back.
We spent the weekend moving in and making it OURS. Our biggest obstacle was appliances, but we're finally done with those. We have a new washer and dryer, a brand new stove, and an old, ugly refrigerator that took us 2 days to disassemble, clean, and reassemble. But it's clean, and it's OURS. We still have a lot of work to do for the next few months just to get everything perfect, but every ounce of energy spent on it is worth it.
I love our new house!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The mind is inherently efficient. The difficulties you have with problem-solving and social interactions are habits that you have developed over time. They are distortions of reality. They are learned behaviors, not default positions.
It often feels as though these problems are obstacles to be surmounted, mountains to be ascended, skills to learn, or flaws to overcome. But they are not! Your mind, by default, is socially geared. It is more than capable of creating ingenious solutions to every problem imaginable.
You don’t have to overcome anything. You just have to let go of fear and bad habits.

Friday, April 1, 2011

We’re gong to Mineral Wells this weekend. I stopped by the 3rd floor today to let my mom know and to fill her in on things that have been occurring lately.

I chose to see her today, because she’s hasn’t asked to see me in a while. Usually when I see her, its out of guilt or pity, because she’s had to beg or plead with me to spend time with her. But today, I saw her out of respect, because she hasn’t begged for my attention. She has given me space; recognized me as an individual who makes my own choices for my own reasons. I can enjoy spending time with her if we stand on level ground for mutual benefit.
But, if she makes claims on my time, attention, or emotions, then I lose that respect. She has often been guilty in the past of making claims on my life and of being demanding of my time because of all the “things she’s done for me…” Well, I don’t respond to demands. I do not respond to obligations pushed on me without my consent. I do not ask for favors I cannot repay. I sternly object to gifts of time and attention that are to be unloaded on me without my awareness or consent so that a person may collect an undetermined debt on me in the future.
I am an admirer of freedom, and all that it entails. I respect people who respect my decisions. I respect people who don’t expect or wait for me to make the decisions that they think I should make. Give me respect and freedom, and you will have my admiration and companionship. But start making demands, claims of debt, gratitude owed; if you start to try to bury me in guilt and relentless pity, I will vehemently retract from you all that you ask for. I am not a charity. I am a human being of value. I will only exchange respect for respect; worth with worth. I do not give to people who only take.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Atlas Shrugged Quote 2 :)

"There’s no way to rule innocent men.  The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals.  Well, when there aren’t enough criminals, one makes them.  One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws.  Who wants a nation of law abiding citizens?  What’s there in that for anyone?  But just pass the kind of laws that can neither be observed nor enforced nor objectively interpreted—and you create a nation of law-breakers—and then you cash in on guilt.  Now that’s the system, Mr. Rearden, that’s the game, and once you understand it, you’ll be much easier to deal with.”

Atlas Shrugged Quote 1 :)

"So you think that money is the root of all evil?" said Francisco d'Aconia. "Have you ever asked what is the root of money? Money is a tool of exchange, which can't exist unless there are goods produced and men able to produce them. Money is the material shape of the principle that men who wish to deal with one another must deal by trade and give value for value. Money is not the tool of the moochers, who claim your product by tears, or of the looters, who take it from you by force. Money is made possible only by the men who produce. Is this what you consider evil?
      "When you accept money in payment for your effort, you do so only on the conviction that you will exchange it for the product of the effort of others. It is not the moochers or the looters who give value to money. Not an ocean of tears nor all the guns in the world can transform those pieces of paper in your wallet into the bread you will need to survive tomorrow. Those pieces of paper, which should have been gold, are a token of honor – your claim upon the energy of the men who produce. Your wallet is your statement of hope that somewhere in the world around you there are men who will not default on that moral principle which is the root of money. Is this what you consider evil?
      "Have you ever looked for the root of production? Take a look at an electric generator and dare tell yourself that it was created by the muscular effort of unthinking brutes. Try to grow a seed of wheat without the knowledge left to you by men who had to discover it for the first time. Try to obtain your food by means of nothing but physical motions – and you'll learn that man's mind is the root of all the goods produced and of all the wealth that has ever existed on earth.
      "But you say that money is made by the strong at the expense of the weak? What strength do you mean? It is not the strength of guns or muscles. Wealth is the product of man's capacity to think. Then is money made by the man who invents a motor at the expense of those who did not invent it? Is money made by the intelligent at the expense of the fools? By the able at the expense of the incompetent? By the ambitious at the expense of the lazy? Money is made – before it can be looted or mooched – made by the effort of every honest man, each to the extent of his ability. An honest man is one who knows that he can't consume more than he has produced.
      "To trade by means of money is the code of the men of good will. Money rests on the axiom that every man is the owner of his mind and his effort. Money allows no power to prescribe the value of your effort except by the voluntary choice of the man who is willing to trade you his effort in return. Money permits you to obtain for your goods and your labor that which they are worth to the men who buy them, but no more. Money permits no deals except those to mutual benefit by the unforced judgment of the traders. Money demands of you the recognition that men must work for their own benefit, not for their own injury, for their gain, not their loss – the recognition that they are not beasts of burden, born to carry the weight of your misery – that you must offer them values, not wounds – that the common bond among men is not the exchange of suffering, but the exchange of goods. Money demands that you sell, not your weakness to men's stupidity, but your talent to their reason; it demands that you buy, not the shoddiest they offer, but the best your money can find. And when men live by trade – with reason, not force, as their final arbiter – it is the best product that wins, the best performance, then man of best judgment and highest ability – and the degree of a man's productiveness is the degree of his reward. This is the code of existence whose tool and symbol is money. Is this what you consider evil?
      "But money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver. It will give you the means for the satisfaction of your desires, but it will not provide you with desires. Money is the scourge of the men who attempt to reverse the law of causality – the men who seek to replace the mind by seizing the products of the mind.
      "Money will not purchase happiness for the man who has no concept of what he wants; money will not give him a code of values, if he's evaded the knowledge of what to value, and it will not provide him with a purpose, if he's evaded the choice of what to seek. Money will not buy intelligence for the fool, or admiration for the coward, or respect for the incompetent. The man who attempts to purchase the brains of his superiors to serve him, with his money replacing his judgment, ends up by becoming the victim of his inferiors. The men of intelligence desert him, but the cheats and the frauds come flocking to him, drawn by a law which he has not discovered: that no man may be smaller than his money. Is this the reason why you call it evil?
      "Only the man who does not need it, is fit to inherit wealth – the man who would make his own fortune no matter where he started. If an heir is equal to his money, it serves him; if not, it destroys him. But you look on and you cry that money corrupted him. Did it? Or did he corrupt his money? Do not envy a worthless heir; his wealth is not yours and you would have done no better with it. Do not think that it should have been distributed among you; loading the world with fifty parasites instead of one would not bring back the dead virtue which was the fortune. Money is a living power that dies without its root. Money will not serve that mind that cannot match it. Is this the reason why you call it evil?
      "Money is your means of survival. The verdict which you pronounce upon the source of your livelihood is the verdict you pronounce upon your life. If the source is corrupt, you have damned your own existence. Did you get your money by fraud? By pandering to men's vices or men's stupidity? By catering to fools, in the hope of getting more than your ability deserves? By lowering your standards? By doing work you despise for purchasers you scorn? If so, then your money will not give you a moment's or a penny's worth of joy. Then all the things you buy will become, not a tribute to you, but a reproach; not an achievement, but a reminder of shame. Then you'll scream that money is evil. Evil, because it would not pinch-hit for your self-respect? Evil, because it would not let you enjoy your depravity? Is this the root of your hatred of money?
      "Money will always remain an effect and refuse to replace you as the cause. Money is the product of virtue, but it will not give you virtue and it will not redeem your vices. Money will not give you the unearned, neither in matter nor in spirit. Is this the root of your hatred of money?
      "Or did you say it's the love of money that's the root of all evil? To love a thing is to know and love its nature. To love money is to know and love the fact that money is the creation of the best power within you, and your passkey to trade your effort for the effort of the best among men. It's the person who would sell his soul for a nickel, who is the loudest in proclaiming his hatred of money – and he has good reason to hate it. The lovers of money are willing to work for it. They know they are able to deserve it.
      "Let me give you a tip on a clue to men's characters: the man who damns money has obtained it dishonorably; the man who respects it has earned it.
      "Run for your life from any man who tells you that money is evil. That sentence is the leper's bell of an approaching looter. So long as men live together on earth and need means to deal with one another – their only substitute, if they abandon money, is the muzzle of a gun.
      "But money demands of you the highest virtues, if you wish to make it or to keep it. Men who have no courage, pride, or self-esteem, men who have no moral sense of their right to their money and are not willing to defend it as they defend their life, men who apologize for being rich – will not remain rich for long. They are the natural bait for the swarms of looters that stay under rocks for centuries, but come crawling out at the first smell of a man who begs to be forgiven for the guilt of owning wealth. They will hasten to relieve him of the guilt – and of his life, as he deserves.
      "Then you will see the rise of the double standard – the men who live by force, yet count on those who live by trade to create the value of their looted money – the men who are the hitchhikers of virtue. In a moral society, these are the criminals, and the statutes are written to protect you against them. But when a society establishes criminals-by-right and looters-by-law – men who use force to seize the wealth of disarmed victims – then money becomes its creators' avenger. Such looters believe it safe to rob defenseless men, once they've passed a law to disarm them. But their loot becomes the magnet for other looters, who get it from them as they got it. Then the race goes, not to the ablest at production, but to those most ruthless at brutality. When force is the standard, the murderer wins over the pickpocket. And then that society vanishes, in a spread of ruins and slaughter.
      "Do you wish to know whether that day is coming? Watch money. Money is the barometer of a society's virtue. When you see that trading is done, not by consent, but by compulsion – when you see that in order to produce, you need to obtain permission from men who produce nothing – when you see that money is flowing to those who deal, not in goods, but in favors – when you see that men get richer by graft and by pull than by work, and your laws don't protect you against them, but protect them against you – when you see corruption being rewarded and honesty becoming a self-sacrifice – you may know that your society is doomed. Money is so noble a medium that it does not compete with guns and it does not make terms with brutality. It will not permit a country to survive as half-property, half-loot.
      "Whenever destroyers appear among men, they start by destroying money, for money is men's protection and the base of a moral existence. Destroyers seize gold and leave to its owners a counterfeit pile of paper. This kills all objective standards and delivers men into the arbitrary power of an arbitrary setter of values. Gold was an objective value, an equivalent of wealth produced. Paper is a mortgage on wealth that does not exist, backed by a gun aimed at those who are expected to produce it. Paper is a check drawn by legal looters upon an account which is not theirs: upon the virtue of the victims. Watch for the day when it becomes, marked: 'Account overdrawn.'
      "When you have made evil the means of survival, do not expect men to remain good. Do not expect them to stay moral and lose their lives for the purpose of becoming the fodder of the immoral. Do not expect them to produce, when production is punished and looting rewarded. Do not ask, 'Who is destroying the world?' You are.
      "You stand in the midst of the greatest achievements of the greatest productive civilization and you wonder why it's crumbling around you, while you're damning its life-blood – money. You look upon money as the savages did before you, and you wonder why the jungle is creeping back to the edge of your cities. Throughout men's history, money was always seized by looters of one brand or another, but whose method remained the same: to seize wealth by force and to keep the producers bound, demeaned, defamed, deprived of honor. That phrase about the evil of money, which you mouth with such righteous recklessness, comes from a time when wealth was produced by the labor of slaves – slaves who repeated the motions once discovered by somebody's mind and left unimproved for centuries. So long as production was ruled by force, and wealth was obtained by conquest, there was little to conquer. Yet through all the centuries of stagnation and starvation, men exalted the looters, as aristocrats of the sword, as aristocrats of birth, as aristocrats of the bureau, and despised the producers, as slaves, as traders, as shopkeepers – as industrialists.
      "To the glory of mankind, there was, for the first and only time in history, a country of money – and I have no higher, more reverent tribute to pay to America, for this means: a country of reason, justice, freedom, production, achievement. For the first time, man's mind and money were set free, and there were no fortunes-by-conquest, but only fortunes-by-work, and instead of swordsmen and slaves, there appeared the real maker of wealth, the greatest worker, the highest type of human being – the self-made man – the American industrialist.
      "If you ask me to name the proudest distinction of Americans, I would choose – because it contains all the others – the fact that they were the people who created the phrase 'to make money'. No other language or nation had ever used these words before; men had always thought of wealth as a static quantity – to be seized, begged, inherited, shared, looted, or obtained as a favor. Americans were the first to understand that wealth has to be created. The words 'to make money' hold the essence of human morality.
      "Yet these were the words for which Americans were denounced by the rotted cultures of the looters' continents. Now the looters' credo has brought you to regard your proudest achievements as a hallmark of shame, your prosperity as guilt, your greatest men, the industrialists, as blackguards, and your magnificent factories as the product and property of muscular labor, the labor of whip-driven slaves, like the pyramids of Egypt. The rotter who simpers that he sees no difference between the power of the dollar and the power of the whip, ought to learn the difference on his own hide – as, I think, he will.
      "Until and unless you discover that money is the root of all good, you ask for your own destruction. When money ceases to be the tool by which men deal with one another, then men become the tools of men. Blood, whips and guns – or dollars. Take your choice – there is no other – and your time is running out."

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Rig Hunt..

So for the last couple of days I’ve been in “gear” mode. I’m trying to assemble a bass rig as quickly and cheaply as possible because of a sudden lineup change with the band. Houston is leaving the band in June, and probably sooner, to play full-time for Cannonball. With his departure, I lose a drummer and a bass rig. We’re thinking about letting Paul jam with us on drums, but he doesn’t have a kit. I’m hoping someone else can figure out how to cover the drums if I can just cover my end by building my own setup.
So here’s what I got lined up so far for a potential rig:


An Ampeg 8x10 bass cabinet for $400 from Lando

A Behringer Ultrabass BX4500H bass head for $250 new ($195 on ebay)

A bass Pod for free from Lando if I buy his cab

 
I still need to buy:
Cables (1/4”)
New Strings (Gauge .135 if I can find it for the B string - Circle K strings?)
Hardcase for my BTB
Rack case for the head, Pod, and tuner

With the BX4500H head and the Pod, I should be able to get an awesome tone. Better, in fact, than what I had playing out of Houston’s rig. I will need a lot of help tweaking the Pod for the best sound, but James seems to know what he’s doing with that. I’ve learned quite a bit from this scavenger hunt for bass parts, but I’m still so noobish when it comes to bass tone. It looks like I’ll have a pretty decent rig, though, for $600, which is way cheaper than what I originally thought I would have to spend.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Canon City and Royal Gorge, Colorado

We had an amazing time this weekend! Tasha, her parents, and I all went up to Canon City, Colorado for the weekend. We, literally, woke up Saturday morning, drove up there, stayed the night, and drove back Sunday evening. It was short, but it was a blast. Royal Gorge is beautiful, and there were so many things to see in such a small town.


The highlight of my weekend was riding the Sky Coaster. It’s basically a huge swing suspended on the edge of one of the canyon walls. It drops you in a freefall and swings you out over the gorge which is over 1,000 ft. deep. It was terrifying, but I will never forget it. Live for the moment, right?



Tasha wasn’t too happy about it…
She's not a big fan of heights.

We also went to a prison museum. We had no idea it was there until we came up on it, all of the sudden, when we were trying to find our hotel. It was really cool! It has a very long and interesting history.



We then went to the prison’s graveyard on Woodpecker Hill.


We also managed to squeeze in a trip to a winery, an old catholic abbey, a dinosaur museum, and a strange store FULL of dead animals. It was a great weekend spent with great people! I can’t wait to see more of Colorado! All the pictures are courtesy of Natasha and Megan!













Oh… and Tasha fought a Roman…

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Vows

I am the luckiest person in the world. You are everything that I've ever needed. You give me confidence when I doubt myself. You bring me joy when I'm down. You give me perspective when I think too narrowly.
I love your goofy attitude; your "way" with words; your cheesy smile. You are so beautiful when you smile. You remind me that I sometimes take life too seriously. I love to watch you enjoy yourself; when you find humor in the littlest things. I love when you get so excited that you squeak, and that you snort when you laugh. Or when you're so excited to say something that your words come out in a jumbled mess. You are completely unafraid to be the goofiest person I know.
You are my source of comfort. You are my source of strength. You've given me so much, and so much more to look forward to. I want to be there for you forever. I don't want you to lack in anything. I don't want you to lose the giddiness and excitement that makes being with you a completely unique experience.
Your enthusiasm could feed the world. You have everything anyone could ever ask for and more. And I'm so grateful that you chose to share your life with me.
That being said, I am very afraid. I'm scared to watch you get sick. I'm afraid to see you get hurt. I'm afraid to watch you age and go through all of the pain that comes with it. I'm afraid to see you get disappointed and stressed. Afraid to see you want. Afraid to see you go through overwhelming hardship and struggle. I'm afraid to ever see the light that shines so brightly in your life dim even a little. I wish I could somehow prevent all of this. I wish I could carry your every burden. I don't want to see anything happen to you. I don't want to watch any of your energy dwindle.
But, I pledge to be there for every moment. As painful as it may be for me. To not only be there for the good, but to help you through all of the bad as well. I vow to be there to find beauty in every trial we face, and to not shy away or turn back no matter what the difficulty. I love you, Natasha Ragsdale. And I will be standing beside you every step of the way.

Begin Anew

For the past two weeks, I have completely stopped writing. I used to keep a journal and I would write in it almost daily. I like to write, and I love to have documentation of my life and ideas. But due to the circumstances of the last two weeks, I no longer feel like I have a safe place to record my thoughts. Journalizing was fun and eye-opening, but journals are made of paper, and I have no desire to put time and effort into something that can so easily be taken from me.
I have tried starting a blog before, but a sense of paranoia and self-doubt caused me to procrastinate and kept me from posting much of anything.  It was so easy to just keep myself hidden away in a notebook. But since the fire, a new fear has surfaced. The idea of losing not only materials, but entire pieces of my life is unbearable.  I have never had a strong memory. I need triggers to bring me back to my past. I cannot simply recall things without the aid of a memento.  I need an object, a picture, an idea – to remember. The fire took the few things I had left from my childhood, leaving me with a feeling of hopelessness: the feeling that I will remember nothing from my childhood, because I have nothing to show for it.
A blog is fundamentally important to me now. A fire can take away a notebook. A virus can take away a document. But the internet is a haven from destruction. It’s not perfect, and there are always risks, but its limitless capacity and freedom from environmental effects largely reduce my anxiety.
My wife, Natasha, has done an amazing job documenting our struggle over the past two weeks. I am so proud of her. I never want to forget all that has happened, but at the time I had no desire to document it or to remember. I wanted it to end. I wanted life to rewind and remove the pain of the moment. I didn’t want to let current events into my reality. But after all of this, I realize that I HAVE to remember it because it DID happen, and I learned something from it.
I have to teach myself to document EVERYTHING. The good moments and bad moments are equally important in the progression of my existence. I am who I am because of the culmination of all the events of my life, not just the ones I choose. Life goes on, and I will have the words to show for it.